When someone opens up about a struggle – whether it’s stress, burnout, grief, or just a tough day – how we respond is important. Sometimes, knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say.
We may have the best intentions, but sometimes, the words we choose can make someone feel unheard, dismissed, or even worse than before they opened up.
Many of us default to certain phrases because they seem encouraging, but in reality, they can come across as invalidating. I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and I know how deeply disappointing it feels when I’m vulnerable and get hit with something like:
- “At least…”
- “It could be worse.”
- “You should be grateful.”
- “Just be positive.”
- “You just need to [meditate/exercise/sleep more].”
These statements don’t offer comfort – they shut the conversation down. They tell the person:
Your feelings aren’t valid.
You should be grateful instead of struggling.
Other people have it worse – so you don’t get to feel this way.
So, what should we say instead?
Let’s break it down.
What Not to Say (and Why It Hurts)
Here are some common examples of what not to say – and better ways to respond with empathy and support.
“At least…”
- “At least you have a job.”
- “At least you’re healthy.”
- “At least you have people who love you.”
Why it hurts:
This phrase is often meant to highlight the bright side, but it can feel dismissive. It suggests that because things could be worse, the person has no right to feel the way they do.
What to say instead:
- “I can see this is really hard for you.”
- “That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk about it?”
“It could be worse.” / “It’s not that bad.”
- “Some people have it way harder.”
- “Well, at least you’re not dealing with [something worse].”
- “Oh, come on, it’s not that bad.”
- “You’ll be fine, just snap out of it.”
- “You’re overthinking this.”
Why it hurts:
This phrase compares struggles, as if pain is only valid if it reaches a certain threshold. But struggles aren’t a competition. Just because someone else has it worse doesn’t mean our struggles don’t matter.
Minimising someone’s pain by telling them “it’s not that bad” or “just snap out of it” completely invalidates their emotions. It assumes that because we don’t think their struggle is bad, they shouldn’t either. But pain is subjective – what feels manageable to one person might feel overwhelming to another.
What to say instead:
- “I hear you. That sounds really painful.”
- “I can’t imagine how that must feel. I’m here for you.”
- “That sounds really hard. Do you want to tell me more about it?”
- “I may not fully understand, but I want to support you.”
“You should be grateful.” / “But you have a great life!”
- “You should be grateful – some people would love to have your problems.”
- “But you have a great life! What have you got to be sad about?”
- “But you always seem so happy.”
Why it hurts:
This forces people to suppress their emotions out of guilt. A person can be both grateful and struggling at the same time.
Also, just because someone appears happy doesn’t mean they’re not going through something privately. Many people mask their struggles until they feel safe enough to share them.
What to say instead:
- “I see you’re really struggling. That’s completely understandable.”
- “You don’t have to justify how you feel. Your emotions are valid.”
“Just be positive.” / “This happens to everyone.”
- “You just need to focus on the good.”
- “This is normal – it happens to everyone.”
Why it hurts:
Toxic positivity makes people feel like they shouldn’t have negative emotions. But life is messy, and sometimes we just need to sit in the hard feelings for a while before we can move forward.
And while struggles may be common, that doesn’t mean they aren’t difficult. Telling someone, “This happens to everyone”, can make them feel like their struggles aren’t worth discussing.
What to say instead:
- “That really sucks. I’m here if you need to vent.”
- “I won’t try to fix this, but I want you to know you’re not alone.”
“You just need to…” (Minimising with solutions)
- “You just need to meditate.”
- “You just need to exercise more.”
- “You just need to get more sleep.”
Why it hurts:
While things like meditation, exercise, and sleep can help, they aren’t a magic fix. Suggesting a simple solution can make the person feel like they just haven’t “tried hard enough” to fix themselves.
What to say instead:
- “That sounds really tough. What would feel supportive for you right now?”
- “I’m happy to help in any way – just let me know what you need.”
“That’s nothing, when I…” (Making it about your own experience)
Examples:
- “Oh, you think that’s bad? When I was going through XYZ, it was even worse.”
- “Yeah, I’ve dealt with way worse than that.”
- “Let me tell you what REALLY bad looks like…”
Why it hurts:
Sharing your own story can be helpful – but only after the other person has been heard. When someone is in pain and opens up, they need space to express what they’re feeling. Jumping in with your own (worse) story can feel like you’re competing, rather than connecting.
This kind of response often stems from a desire to relate or reassure. But instead of helping, it shifts the focus away from the person who’s struggling – making them feel small, silenced, or like their pain doesn’t matter.
What to say instead:
- “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “Would it help to hear a bit about something similar I’ve experienced, or would you rather I just listen?”
What to Say Instead (and How It Helps)
We don’t need to have all the answers. We don’t need to “fix” someone’s problem. Most of the time, people just want to feel heard, validated, and supported.
Here’s a quick reference guide to help you reframe common responses and support more effectively:
| Instead of saying… | Try saying… | Why it helps |
|---|---|---|
| “At least…” | “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you.” | Acknowledges their feelings instead of minimising them. |
| “It could be worse.” | “I hear you. That must be really hard.” | Validates their experience without comparison. |
| “It’s not that bad.” | “I can see this is really weighing on you.” | Shows empathy without judgement. |
| “Other people have it harder.” | “You don’t have to justify how you feel.” | Gives them permission to feel without guilt. |
| “Just be positive.” | “I won’t try to fix this, but I’m here for you.” | Removes pressure to “be ok” and provides support. |
| “That’s nothing, when I…” | “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.” | Offers empathy without shifting the spotlight or turning it into a comparison. |
Sometimes, the best thing we can say is nothing at all. A simple, “I’m here for you,” or even just sitting with someone in their emotions can be the most comforting response of all.
If you’d like to explore this further, this guide from Mental Health First Aid Australia offers great examples of compassionate language when supporting someone who’s struggling.
If you want to go even further – I highly recommend doing Mental Health First Aid training.
Final Thoughts
Most of us were never taught how to support someone in pain. We reach for encouragement or quick fixes, hoping to help – but sometimes, what we say can make someone feel more alone.
That’s why it’s so important to understand what not to say.
You don’t need perfect words. You don’t need to fix it. What people need most is to feel heard. Validation is more powerful than advice, and small shifts in language can make all the difference.
So next time someone opens up, pause. Take a breath.
Ask yourself:
Am I making space for their feelings – or accidentally dismissing them?
Because how we respond matters more than we realise.
And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is simply:
I’m here for you.
Let’s keep showing up for each other – not with fixes, but with real presence.
Because how we respond… can change everything.
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