This post is as much for me as it is for you because this is one of the things I am terrible at. I am not good at asking for help. So, as I write this, I am thinking about it from the perspective of advice I would give to a friend. And perhaps, by putting it this way, we can look at it together and get better at taking our own advice.
So, Why Do We Struggle to Ask for Help?
We all struggle with it, even when we know better. We tell ourselves we should be able to handle things on our own. We hesitate, not wanting to bother anyone. And sometimes, we don’t even know how to ask.
The irony? If a friend came to us needing help, we’d be the first to offer it.
So why does it feel so different when we are the ones who need support?
The cost of never asking for help is high. It leads to stress, burnout, resentment, and isolation. We end up overwhelmed, convincing ourselves we have no choice but to keep struggling.
But we do have a choice, and it starts with changing the way we think about asking for support.
We’ve Been Conditioned to Believe Needing Help Is Weakness
Many of us grew up in environments where independence was praised, and needing help was subtly (or overtly) discouraged.
Maybe we were told to “figure it out” or led to believe that ‘strong people don’t need help.’
If we were praised for being capable and self-sufficient as kids, we may have internalised the idea that our worth is tied to how little we need from others.
How to Challenge This:
- You can be independent and still ask for help when needed. True strength isn’t about doing everything alone – it’s about knowing when to handle things yourself and when to seek support.
- Even the most successful people haven’t done it all on their own. They’ve had mentors, teams, and communities supporting them along the way. No one achieves success in isolation.
We Fear Being a Burden
We don’t want to “bother” others with our struggles, especially if they seem busy or have their own problems. We assume that asking for help takes something away from them.
We might even fear rejection – what if we ask for help and they say no?
How to Challenge This:
- The last time someone asked for your help, did you feel burdened – or did you feel valued because they trusted you? Most people genuinely want to help when given the chance.
- Healthy relationships involve both giving and receiving support. If we always give but never accept help, we miss out on real connection and balance.
We Associate Asking for Help With a Loss of Control
If we ask for help, we have to let go of the idea that we can (and should) handle everything on our own. It can be hard to admit that we don’t have all the answers or that we can’t manage everything by ourselves.
Some of us may even feel anxious about how the help will be given – what if it’s not done our way?
How to Challenge This:
- Reframe asking for help as delegating, not losing control. We are not giving up our autonomy – we are expanding our support system.
- Trust that asking for help doesn’t mean we’re incapable; it means we are human.
- If we struggle with accepting help on someone else’s terms, start small and practise letting go of the need for it to be done perfectly.
We’ve Been Let Down Before
Some of us have asked for help in the past and didn’t get it – or worse, were shamed for needing it.
We may have learned that asking for help was not safe.
This can be especially true if we grew up in environments where our needs were ignored or minimised.
How to Challenge This:
- Past experiences don’t define future ones. Just because one person let us down doesn’t mean everyone will.
- Be intentional about who we ask for help. If we’ve been burned before, start with safe, trusted people.
- Support is out there – we may just need to rethink where we look for it.
We Tie Our Self-Worth to Our Ability to Handle Everything
Some of us take pride in not needing help. We see ourselves as the one who has it together.
If our identity is wrapped up in being “strong” and “capable,” then admitting we need help can feel like a personal failure.
We might even fear that if we ask for help, people will see us differently.
How to Challenge This:
- Strength is not about never needing help – it’s about knowing when to ask and having the courage to do so.
- Being someone others can rely on doesn’t mean we can’t rely on others too.
- Practise self-compassion. We are not our productivity, our independence, or our ability to handle everything alone. Our worth is not conditional.
Final Thoughts & Actions
We’re not meant to do life alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness – it’s a skill, one that takes practice. The more we allow ourselves to seek and accept support, the more balanced and connected we become.
So this week, let’s take a small step.
- Choose one small thing to ask for help with.
- Practise accepting help when it is offered instead of automatically saying, “I’m fine.”
- Challenge any negative thoughts we have about needing help.
- Try asking for support in different areas – work, home, emotional support – and see how it feels.
- If we have access to an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) or professional support, let’s make use of it.
Let’s remind ourselves that we’re not alone in this struggle.
Asking for help doesn’t make us weak – it makes us human.
And the more we practise, the more connected and supported we can become.
Join the Conversation