Self doubt and the power of a compliment often go hand in hand, even if we don’t realise it.
Have you ever stood in front of your wardrobe, frantically throwing clothes onto the floor, feeling like nothing fits, nothing looks right, and nothing will help you blend in with the confident, well-dressed crowd you’re about to meet?
I have. Many times.
But one night in my early 30s stands out in particular. In hindsight, it taught me one of the most valuable lessons I carry into my 50s.
A Night When I Felt Like I Didn’t Belong
I was getting ready for a friend’s birthday party, stressed beyond belief. The women in this group were effortlessly glamorous, always. Everywhere we went, they showed up looking flawless, like they had it all together. And there I was, staring at a wardrobe full of outdated clothes, nothing that fit properly, and nothing I loved.
My self-esteem spiralled downward as I tried on top after top, each one making me feel worse. Eventually, in a last-ditch effort, I grabbed a piece of black fabric, safety pins, and tape to DIY a top that I hoped would hide my flaws and boost my confidence – at least a little.
When I arrived at the party, feeling fragile and vulnerable, something surprising happened. A friend in the group complimented me on my top. I was shocked! Flattered, yes, but mostly shocked.
I confessed that I had made it out of sheer desperation and that I had spent hours agonising over what to wear. I even admitted that I had thrown myself on my bed in tears before leaving the house, convinced I wouldn’t measure up to the polished group of women I admired, and contemplating not going at all.
Then she said something that floored me:
Oh my god, I did the same thing.
I do that all the time.
I can’t believe YOU did that??
I’ve always thought YOU were so glamorous!
We sat there, unmasking our insecurities to each other, and realised that we had both been living in this bubble of self-doubt, believing the other person had it all figured out and was oozing self confidence.
The truth was, we weren’t alone. The rest of the group was probably experiencing the same thing – feeling the pressure to look perfect and to present themselves in a way that would be accepted or admired.
We had all been so busy worrying about how we measured up that we didn’t see the reality: we were all just trying our best and feeling the weight of comparison.
Why Do We Feel Like This?
Now that I’m in my 50s, that conversation is a powerful reminder whenever I feel self-doubt creeping in.
As women especially, we often spend so much time and energy worrying about:
- How we look
- How others perceive us
- Whether we measure up
And the worst part?
The people we think are judging us are usually too busy worrying about themselves.
But what if we looked at it differently?
- What if, instead of focusing on what we lack, we reminded ourselves that everyone else feels the same way?
- What if we stopped being our own harshest critic?
- What if we recognised that no one else is measuring us by the impossible standards we set for ourselves?
The Power of a Compliment
This is where self doubt and the power of a compliment become so closely linked.
That night also taught me something else – something that feels even more important now:
The power of a genuine compliment.
My friend’s kind words didn’t just make me feel good – they opened the door to a much deeper friendship.
A compliment goes beyond appearance. It creates connection.
Research backs this up too. A Psychology Today article on the psychology of compliments explains that people often underestimate how good a compliment will make someone feel, and may overestimate how awkward or uncomfortable the other person will feel receiving it. In other words, we can talk ourselves out of saying something kind, even when those few words might genuinely lift someone’s mood.
A Small Note That Made a Big Impact
A few years ago, while out for lunch with my husband, I noticed a heavily pregnant woman dining with her partner.
She looked radiant and beautiful, so much so that I had to try really hard not to stare.
I thought to myself:
This might be one of her last chances to have a peaceful lunch before the baby arrives.
She was dressed up and glowing, exuding confidence. I wanted to tell her how amazing she looked, but I didn’t want to interrupt her meal.
So instead, I discreetly wrote a small note on the back of a coaster and placed it on her table as I passed by on my way to the bathroom.
My husband and I continued with our lunch, and as the couple were on their way out, she placed a note on our table and gave me a big smile.
Her message?
- She had been feeling self-conscious going out with her huge belly.
- My words had made her day.
- She was going to keep my note and reread it whenever she needed a confidence boost.
That moment stayed with me. No words were spoken, just two little notes and a shared moment of kindness.
It showed me how small gestures can create ripple effects.
Sometimes, people just need a little encouragement to feel great about themselves.
A Reminder for All of Us
So, if you’re a younger person reading this and feeling the weight of these thoughts, know that you’re not alone.
We’ve all stood in front of that mirror, criticising ourselves and imagining that everyone else has it more together. And if you’re older, like me, and you’ve had enough experience to see the bigger picture, let this be a reminder to share that wisdom.
We don’t need to spend years trapped in the cycle of self-criticism. We can free ourselves by being kinder to ourselves and to each other.
The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by how you look or how you think you’ll be perceived, remember this: the person you’re worrying about probably feels the same way.
And the next time you admire someone – whether it’s their outfit, their confidence, or their kindness – tell them! You never know how much they might need to hear it.
We all carry invisible burdens, but we also have the power to lighten them. Sometimes, all it takes is a compliment, a connection, and the reminder that we’re all just doing our best.
And that’s more than enough.
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